Timing — A Pain & Blessing

For when Mother’s Day becomes too much of a trigger

My heart is a bit heavy today. But I think I will be fine. I am especially laden with self-doubt, guilt, and a reminder of things I lost. Exactly six years ago, we lost our babies, and despite not wanting to recall this date consciously, the devil did its thing. Plus, it probably didn’t help that it’s coinciding with Mother’s Day.

ca 2018: In the surgery room, waiting for my embryo implantation. Got pregnant this time again but will later lose the pregnancy entering into my second trimester. Was admiring the embryos.

Being in your 30s childless/child-free is so weird, confusing, “freeing,” and frustrating. My bipolar ovaries keep constantly vacillating between “maybe, having my biological kids will never be a thing. Enjoy life and be free” and “oh, let’s put your body through another round of fertility treatments.”

Two things I am no longer in possession of — Youth and freedom (relatively)

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day — and one of the most challenging times of the year for me to attend church (but thank God I don’t have to sit through the roll call for mothers this time around #virtualchurch). For a lot of people (including me), Mother’s Day brings up a lot of overwhelming emotions and a painful reminder of those things lost or never had. I will focus on those who fall into my category of pregnancy losses and difficult conception. With infertility, I have had…