For when Mother’s Day becomes too much of a trigger

heart is a bit heavy today. But I think I will be fine. I am especially laden with self-doubt, guilt, and a reminder of things I lost. Exactly six years ago, we lost our babies, and despite not wanting to recall this date consciously, the devil did its thing. Plus, it probably didn’t help that it’s coinciding with Mother’s Day.

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ca 2018: In the surgery room, waiting for my embryo implantation. Got pregnant this time again but will later lose the pregnancy entering into my second trimester. Was admiring the embryos.

Being in your 30s childless/child-free is so weird, confusing, “freeing,” and frustrating. My bipolar ovaries keep constantly vacillating between “maybe, having my biological kids will never be a thing. Enjoy life and be free” and “oh, let’s put your body through another round of fertility treatments.”

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Two things I am no longer in possession of — Youth and freedom (relatively)

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day — and one of the most challenging times of the year for me to attend church (but thank God I don’t have to sit through the roll call for mothers this time around #virtualchurch). For a lot of people (including me), Mother’s Day brings up a lot of overwhelming emotions and a painful reminder of those things lost or never had. I will focus on those who fall into my category of pregnancy losses and difficult conception. With infertility, I have had to think more of my past, my current state, and my future. Never at any period have I had to run these three timelines concurrently. There’s a quote that’s been so encouraging:

“You’re still a mom even if your babies are in heaven. You’re still a mom even if your babies only exist in the longing of your heart.”

So don’t forget that.

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Image by sspiehs3 from Pixabay

Perhaps, the greatest encouragement is knowing that God is with you in all of this. So lift your head high, don’t hide in the shadows anymore, and find happiness. You need to develop that independent source of happiness as you will need it plenty, whether or not you end up having kids. For me, my community, writing, podcasting, and learning a new language make me happy.

I am working through some stuff as well, and I really hope my post doesn’t make you feel sad. I think we should find ways actually to talk about these things. I still have a long way to go in conquering my mind and the thoughts, especially the dark, cynical ones. And for those of you already with kids, especially the ones who never had to wait, who never had the luxury of deciding when to “try” and “time it,” who never had to endure being chuck full of injectable hormones, rotate injectable spots on their butt and stomach, know abbreviations like TTC, IVF, IUI, BFN, DPT, FET, RE, TWW, know that I deeply envy you today, but I will be just fine.

That said, please share with me something your child did recently that made you go “aww.”

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Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay

And yeah, Happy Mother’s Day

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I'm ME: replete with the mien of a bard, scholar, Argonaut, Jesus-lover, funfinder, bibliophile, Koreanophile, partner, and wanderer!

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